Thursday, July 23, 2009

Multi-tasking self-starter seeks sugar daddy

It’s official. I’m losing my job. I sort of can’t believe it took this long, frankly. I signed up for a five-month gig nearly three years ago and well, I’m still here, putting together stories on lawn alternatives and editing The Top 10 Seaside Hideaways. Until August 6, when I am kicked out of the cozy nest that is Sunset Magazine (yes, people really do drink wine at lunch and subsist on organic produce).

Except for the whole eating canned beans for every meal part, I am kind of looking forward to my life as a lady of leisure. I’m hoping it will give me time to decide what to do next. I feel a big mid-life crisis coming on. I want a new career. I want to move. I want to reinvent the rest of my life. Magazines don’t hold the allure they once did (they are sort of like the 21st century buggy-makers--soon to be obsolete). Plus they are never actually written for people I believe exist (if you coordinate your table linens to the season, buy $5,000 purses, or consider $250/night a bargain hotel, feel free to alert me to your existance).

I was thinking of becoming a nurse midwife. I’ve always really enjoyed all that pregnancy, vaginas, lactation stuff. But then I saw this horrible You Tube video of a pelvic exam and decided maybe it wasn’t for me. I had no idea it was going to look so rubbery.

Aside from my interest in hoo-has, I also like books, gardening, fixing up furniture I find on the street, travel, being my own boss, not sitting in an office, photography, laughing, staring off into space, overeating, drinking too much wine, reading Dr. Seuss books in funny voices, analyzing other people when they are not in the room, walking, sailor pants, watching So You Think You Can Dance, sunshine, babies, and the planet.

Unfortunately I have no mind for making money. None. I haven’t the foggiest ideas how people make money. But if all of my interests happen to coalesce into the perfect career in your entrepreneurial mind, please do let me know. Sugar daddies also welcome.

Until I hear from you, I’ll be applying for this. And this. And probably also this. Cause, you know, I’m a people person.


Petunia Face said...

Ah, crap. Sorry about your job.

I would love to be some sort of alternative healer, but only for people I don't mind touching. And I'm pretty picky.

I'd also like to be a chiropractor, but I don't want to do the school part. Or the part when they quick snap your neck--I'd hesitate and eff up royally, I just know it.

I think firemen are super cool, but the jacket and bib thing look awfully heavy.

Honestly I wish there was a job just doing this--checking out the internet all day and making comments while eating Honey Smacks. Or, you know, animal cremation, whichever.

Simply Mel said...

I'm thinking this layoff thing may not suck afterall, especially with the unique opportunities that await you on Craigslist! $100 plus free condoms - better than an unemployment check, ha!

Seriously, you will find something enlightening to do. With your wordsmith skills, I see a new book on the horizon.

Here's to daydreaming of Venice this weekend!

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